I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Cover your peen. We're going out.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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