So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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