i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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