I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Are my feet made of real feet?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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