Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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