just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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