I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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