She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
