New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
