It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
