Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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