My room smells like vodka and shame
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
