There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
