Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
