So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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