Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
