I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
