if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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