two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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