you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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