one might say we're banned from that church
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
