my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
