they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
