Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
