So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
