The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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