you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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