I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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