Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
