My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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