maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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