No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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