2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
