I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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