i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
