do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
