my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
