I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
