perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
