I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
