I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
