I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
