The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
