My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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