Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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