Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
