Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
