This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
