dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
two words: eviction party
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
