Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
