you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
