after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
