Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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