Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All I want is dick and wine.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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