How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh god the rape fog is back!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
