i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
